Jealousy and Fighting

Although feelings of jealousy, rivalry and resentment are normal, children need to learn how to handle these feelings.

New babies
Getting ready for the new arrival
When the new baby is born
Fighting
Some ideas

New babies

Some children react really strongly when a new baby arrives in the house. Some get very angry, others seem to start behaving like babies themselves and some children treat their little brother or sister with total love.

It’s not surprising that small children react this way, especially if they are used to being an only child or the baby in the family. They may feel really threatened by their new brother or sister and feel unloved and ignored.

Preparing together for the birth of a new baby is something you can do together. This way your child will feel involved and important in the family.

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Getting ready for the new arrival

• Start talking about the baby and the birth several months in advance. This works well when the pregnancy is starting to show.
• Answer questions honestly.
• Ask them for their ideas on names and things you need to buy for the baby.
• Make any major changes before the baby comes. For example, moving your older child out of their cot or bedroom.

Talk about where the baby will be born and tell them you might have to stay in the hospital for a day or two.

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When the new baby is born

Think about putting the baby in a cot, not your arms, when your other child/children visit.

• Let them hold the baby as soon as possible and take photos.
• When you get home ask them to help with bathing, fetching towels etc – although don’t make them if they don’t want to. Your child might enjoy having a washable doll to look after when you are caring for the new baby.
• Ask them what they think the baby should wear (don’t give too many choices – "the yellow or the blue one").
• Make time each day to spend with your older children, it could just be reading a book or having a chat about a tv programme.
• If they do get angry and seem to want to hurt the baby, talk about it. Ask them how they feel and tell them its ok to feel jealous, but tell them it’s not ok to hurt the baby.
• Tell them stories about what happened when they were born and when they were little. Get the baby photos out.

It’s important for them to feel a part of everything. They need to feel important and responsible.

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Fighting

All brothers and sisters fight, some more than others.

Just as with any behaviour, there do need to be limits and boundaries to prevent things getting out of control. Fights usually happen when children are tired, hungry or bored, when they want attention or when they think someone is trying to move in on their possessions.

Younger children don’t have the skills to solve these problems and may lash out. Children need to learn how to work things out with other people.

Parents can help by encouraging communication and problem solving.

If they are bickering give them space to sort it out.

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Some ideas

• If your children are squabbling go to another room, giving them space to sort it out. If things settle down without you, tell them they did well. Give them some attention.
• Think about whether they are bored, tired or hungry. Give them something else to do.
• Try to give your children some individual attention so they don’t feel they have to compete with each other. Be even with your positive comments.
• Sort out some toys that are special to each child and they don’t have to share. It’s fine for an older child to have a special toy that they don’t want someone younger to break.
• Encourage some creative solutions. If they’re fighting over crayons suggest they choose three each, rather than trying to find out who caused the fight.
• Don’t investigate who started it. Ask them if they can think of a way of solving the problem.
• Separate without punishment – for example suggest that one plays in one room while the other helps you do something else.
• Don’t compare your children, or praise one over the other, but try to make each one feel special and unique.
• Instead of saying "share", say "It’s ...’s turn."

I spend a lot of time sorting out fights between my boys. I give them separate play areas a lot. I try to give my older boy a toy he can play with, rather than just shoving him away.