Ages and Stages

Not all children develop and reach milestones at the same rate, but they do pass through the same stages. Understanding something about those stages can help you to understand that what could look like naughty behaviour is actually just a part of growing up.

Newborn to 18 months
18 months to two years
Two to three years
Three to four years
Four to five years

Newborn to 18 months

Babies cry when they need something. When they are very little they will often have an awake-time in the evening. This can be hard when you are tired too, but like all the other stages young children go through, things will settle down.

Babies use the five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, touch and taste to learn about the world.

Babies often have unsettled times when they seem to cry more and be more difficult to calm. These usually happen around 8, 20, 32 and 44 weeks.

You can:

• give lots of attention – your baby won’t be spoilt by too much love
• respond to crying, although remember that some babies have a little cry before they go off to sleep – if this happens every time they go to bed wait a few minutes to see what happens
• check to see if nappy needs changing or are they hungry, tired, too hot or too cold
• comfort your baby by holding and talking or singing softly to them
• pop them in pram or backpack and keep moving
• give them a nice warm bath
• take them out in the car
• give them to someone else to hold (especially if you’re tired).

Note: If your child has a special need, they might take more time to reach the different stages and/or to learn new things. They will still need you to set limits and boundaries, and lots of opportunities to learn. You can ask your GP or paediatrician about people who can help with this.

Try to think of it as a short time in your child’s life when they need you a lot.

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18 months to two years

Toddlers want to do things for themselves and they want things here and now. They don’t like change and are easily frustrated and bored. They start to test limits and to talk, run and climb. They love being outside and going for walks. Temper tantrums might start around two.

You can:

• keep your patience and a sense of humour
• give your child advance warning if you would like them to do something "in a little while…"
• balance independence with limits - "you can drink out of a mug but you have to sit on the floor"
• look for things to praise, try not to give lots of attention to bad behaviour
• keep limits simple and consistent
• begin toilet training if your child shows interest
• give limited choices. Ask if they want to wear the blue shirt or the yellow shirt - not which shirt they want to wear (it will be the one in the wash)
• explain things as much as you can
• tell your child what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do
• involve your child in what you’re doing. Get them to hand you the pegs, or to get the letters out of the mail box
• try not to let your child make you do things by having tantrums
• don’t pressure your child if they are tired
• if your child does have a tantrum make sure they’re safe, and try to ignore them. When it’s all over praise them for calming down, don’t tell them off
• try to anticipate difficult times and avoid if you can
• if you can see your child is getting angry or frustrated, try to redirect them.

Let the housework wait if they need you now – give them that time.

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Two to three years

Although two year olds don’t like change, they do start to calm down as they approach three and learn new skills. They start to talk a lot, have lots of energy and enjoy noise. They develop definite likes and dislikes with food, clothes, toys, etc. Some two year olds get a bit bossy or jealous.

You can:

• give lots of praise when they do something well
• listen to what they are saying – and try to answer all those questions
• do things together that you enjoy
• give one instruction at a time – not a list
• give clear directions
• give them little jobs to do
• try to set a good example – your children copy what you do
• set clear limits and stick to them
• be consistent
• keep an eye out to see if they’re ready for toilet training
• explain why you don’t like something they are doing.

Talk lots – praise their talking.

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Three to four years

Your child might have an unsettled time around three-and-a-half when they are feeling insecure. Children can have struggles with their mother in particular, but still enjoy talking things through. Around four they become very energetic and might be rough, impatient and loud. Three and four year olds love adventures.

You can:

• try to avoid head-on clashes
• keep telling them how great they are
• use lots of words like "let’s" or "how about we"
• give in when things aren’t important
• if they say "no" change the subject or distract
• ignore silly talking
• if your child swears, suggest other words they can use
• behave as you would like your children to behave – they’ll copy what you do
• stick to limits and rules
• try bargaining – if you pick up your toys we’ll go to the park
• have calm down times when there’s trouble. Take your child to a safe quiet area, explain why they are there, and that they can come back when they are ready to do what you have asked them to do. This should only be for two or three minutes.

Say yes as much as possible.
Pick your battles.

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Four to five years

As your child gets older they will be more cooperative. They will have lots of energy and love talking about themselves. They will tell the odd tale or lie, but they will play happily with others – although there will be arguments. As they get closer to five they may calm down and be keen to please you. They won’t like admitting they are wrong, and will try to be good.

You can:

• be clear about what is expected of them
• give lots of praise when they do well
• have rules and limits (not lots) and stick to them
• encourage your child to try lots of different things
• let them help you to plan the day
• give them chores to do so they can show you how clever they are
• be calm when you do have to discipline them
• give lots of affection
• encourage them to work out solutions to problems
• reassure them if they are scared or frightened
• set a good example
• be consistent.

Try to say lots more positive than negative things.

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